Let’s just all GET REAL
I had a client who called me after he attended a session and read one of my books. He said “Lisa it’s so refreshing that you’re not perfect and I don’t feel like I’m being judged”.
The truth is that we all look outside at the world through our uniquely tinted glasses and think everyone else is coping and happy and perfect meanwhile the truth is that everybody feels pain. Everyone feels challenged. Everyone is trying to figure out their own little world. The reason that we don’t see it is because no one says what’s really going on underneath the surface. So we end up like little particles bouncing off of each other and causing continuous reactions.
Ironically almost all of us feel the same. We’re all secretly afraid of not being good enough which is only indicative of the deeper fear we have which is that we’re actually not worthy of love which translates into a myriad of neurosis and defence mechanisms so that we never actually have to confront even thinking such a thing. I call it playing ‘small’. We spend our lives playing small by worrying, defending ourselves, trying to seize control…in a million different ways whether it’s with food, in relationships, at work or just with regards to our bodies.
I often ask clients how they perceive me and am amused by the fact that some clients think I live in a perfect world where I’m filled with an ongoing peace and love for myself and humanity. It’s certainly not the case; I feel vulnerable and exposed when life doesn’t go my way or in close relationships. I find myself trying to run away from things.
The truth is the only difference is awareness. I’m aware of how I feel and think in these situations and know there’s no point trying to hide it. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel fear and it doesn’t mean the little voice of “But I’ll never be loved” doesn’t sign its sad tale to me. These days I just acknowledge them, wave and say hi and tell them it’s okay.
I’ve learnt that the more REAL I am with myself and others the better it is for everyone. I’m also learning that the love we so desperately seek and crave is the love of self; I don’t mean in an arrogant way but in a soft and gentle way that says “It’s okay if you’re angry. I still love you”. ”It’s okay for you to feel hurt”
In this way I don’t have to keep up pretences of inner peace and total okayness. I think it’s a little unsustainable anyway but I reckon that true peace comes from being real; saying how you feel, being with yourself even when you don’t feel okay and from speaking your heart’s innermost desires and feelings. In this way I’ve found I have to spend less energy trying to fight the world and protect myself.
So next time you’re fighting with a colleague, feeling frustrated with someone who keeps hiding, having problems with a friend or just feeling frustrated because life just isn’t going your way, remember that in all likelihood others feel challenged too but are too afraid to GET REAL with you. Know too that you’re okay and others only harm you when you hold your sense of okayness in their hands. (And because so many of us need validation by others - we keep getting hurt).
I recently started a 30 day challenge to love yourself (and myself) just as you (I) am and today’s challenge is “allow yourself to just feel how you feel today without fixing it”. So in the spirit of that GET REAL, be kind to yourself and just be as you are. Why? Because you’re okay! You’re MORE than okay!
Love Lisa
Lisa is the founder of Life Inc and author a books including “Get Real - stepping into the truth of your life”. She’s had a few interesting turns which means she’s just getting a little more used to ‘turning’:-)
Why spirituality doesn’t smell like pot pourri
I’m in the “industry” so to speak so I often get send all kinds of mails regarding courses etc. You name it, I get it; swimming with the dolphins, astrology, yoga, counselling courses, therapy, dance….
The other day I received a mail regarding a workshop and without getting into too much detail it was all about the teachings of some long lost Tibetan guide. It was very in depth with many intricate concepts. No offence but surely if I were to get in touch with my Tibetan guide, I would have been born…well Tibetan maybe? The course prescribed eating weird and wonderful foods with chanting…in Tibetan of course…all of which made me wonder; what is spirituality and what leads us to embark on such weird and wonderful things in search of this intangible thing called spirituality. And if I have to spend a fortune on food which are supposedly natural, how could the rest of the population have a hope in hell of reaching the ever illusory state of enlightenment?
I have two dear friends; let’s just call them N and A for short. They must be two of the most spiritual beings I’ve ever met but what makes them so is that they’re the most real people I know. So I started thinking what defines spirituality? I came with spirituality is;
- Speaking the truth even though it may pain you to do so
- Listening to the truth even though it may pain you to do so
- Spending what you have (that means both time and money)
- Taking care of your mind, body and emotions although that means allowing yourself some slack too. (N, A and I have all decided that chocolate pudding is a spiritual food…in moderation)
- Asking for help when you need it
- Opening your heart even when it hurts
- Living a sometimes quiet existence
- Doing things you don’t want to but need to
- Saying no to things and people you want to say no to
- Ceasing to try to prove yourself in the world long enough to realise there was never anything to prove
- Being IN your life not getting lost in grand desires and illusions
- Genuinely caring about what happens in the lives of those around you
- Not having to rescue anyone and allowing everyone their own journey
- Expressing how you really feel even anger and pain
- Appreciating the fact that bad times have no reference to self
- Accepting what is
- Immersing yourself in your deepest joy
- Letting go of guilt and self blame
- Laughing at yourself
- Knowing you’re doing the best you can at any point in time
- Having the ability to forgive
- Understanding that if someone wants to see you…they will
- Understanding that if someone wants to change…they will
- Understanding you never have to work to be loved
- Holding yourself as sacred
- Knowing what you need and when you need it
- Having the gift of honest self appraisal
- Accepting responsibility for your choices
- Admitting your mistakes…in fact embrace mistakes
- Moving past your pain once you’ve held it with you as sacred
- Resting
- Seeing ALL your qualities and behaviours; not just the good
- Taking time out to do didley squat
- Having compassion for yourself and others
- Crying
- Having difficult conversations
- Knowing that freedom has nothing to do with circumstance and everything to do with letting go of beliefs you hold about yourself and the world
- Saying what you mean and meaning what you say
- Allowing yourself to make mistakes and get things wrong
- Seeing your judgement against others as a reflection of your judgement against yourself
- Being comfortable with being uncomfortable
- Not having the answers
- Not crossing off every item on your TO DO list
- Enjoying your body and all the wonders it brings including sex
- Letting go to life as a dynamic uncontrollable process with no guarantees
AND spirituality is knowing that you will NEVER get all of the above right!
So often people use spirituality as a guise to continue their ego’s deepest desires. It becomes a quest to see how much tofu one can eat (we all know my strong distaste for tofu), how much they can talk about ‘the universe’, how many good deeds they can do, how many years it took to study a certain kind of yoga technique (only known to masters from one monastery in Tibet)….
It’s easy to get along with everyone when you denounce all relationships. It’s also very easy to keep your ego gloriously satisfied with how “good” you are because of how much yoga you do or because of how many lives you’ve PERSONALLY saved (Please!)….as if when you fart all that comes out is lavender pot pourri. Ooh and how we LOVE to see ourselves as good. It’s that ever deceptive quest of goodness that hides the egos darkest self.
The same goes for religion. I have to laugh when I see religious debates going on; everyone’s so busy arguing over their religious ideology that they fail to recognise they’d happily stab one another in the hope of being proclaimed right! Ironic don’t you think?
The truth is that we’re all IN the lives we need to be. Such glorified rituals are merely another (okay so they’re marginally better than taking cocaine or hiding in work) method to hide away from the truth. They’re another means of escape.
I’m a little tired of Tibetan master guide courses, The Secret and tofu! My experience is that when I’ve visualised my perfect life…I usually got presented with the opposite thereof; in fact a right kick up the ass. Because when you want to progress on a spiritual path you will be tested. I’ve realised that if you want to dream, you will also have to face nightmares. That’s what the universe is; perfect balance.
I can only say such things because I’ve been studied such things, been to every workshop, visited healers, tried certain diets…and they all left me feeling more of a failure than before. Not because there was anything wrong with the courses themselves but rather because my approach was needing to find an answer. The answer is, of course, that there are no answers outside of yourself. There’s no life formula and no way you SHOULD be doing things.
It is only in accepting ourselves as human that we can ever hope to find the spirit within. So the next time you fart and think “my goodness that smells awful” - smile as you embrace being human; a truly spiritual experience!!
Love Lisa
PS Lisa is the founder of Life Inc. She loves chocolate and writing. Her cat Samwise supervises her studies and she’s NOT partial to tofu!!
